Things Never to Say to a Birth Mom by Terri Rimmer

Things Never to Say to a Birth Mom
Written and Shared with Permission by Terri Rimmer

Why don’t you have another one (baby) and keep it?
You just didn’t have the confidence to be a mom.
Can I take the baby?
Give me the baby.
I’ll raise the baby.
I have a relative who’ll take the baby.
You mean you don’t want it?
So, you just don’t want to keep it?
That’s really cold.
You’re a cold-hearted person.
So, you’re just going to give it up, just like that?
Why do you care if the baby’s okay? You’re not keeping it?
Why’d you name the baby? They’re just going to rename it anyway.
I’d try to get the baby back.
You can always change your mind back, right?
Why are you doing this?
Do you just not want kids?
Do you just not like kids?
You know you can sell your baby on the black market?
You can get on welfare.
You can afford it.
I’m not a fan of open adoptions.
It’s time to move on with your life.
You’ll think about your daughter one day maybe.
That’s a selfish decision.
You can make it.
I’ll give the baby a good home.
Are you going to have any more kids?
You love this child. You should have another one (you shouldn’t have placed her for adoption).
You should have faith in God and try to be a mom anyway.

Domestic Adoption Home Studies at Spence-Chapin

Spence-Chapin supports adoptive parents pursuing a domestic independent or attorney adoption. We offer Home Study, pre-adoption training, consultations, and more. We provide adoptive families with expertise, professionalism, and the support of an entire adoption team. With over 100 years of experience in adoption, we know how to support adoptive families, birth families, and adoptees! If requested, Spence-Chapin can provide recommendations for reputable adoption attorneys in the NYC area. Overall, Spence-Chapin recommends working with an experienced adoption attorney, preferably a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys.

Home Study Services

A home study is a document required for all adoptive parents and is the first step to any adoption process. Spence-Chapin has provided home studies for thousands of families adopting domestically. We have the expertise to work with you and your adoption attorney or out-of-state agency. Families can begin the home study process while they are identifying their agency or attorney. If you’re ready to get started on the adoption process, visit our website to download the home study application online: www.spence-chapin.org/homestudy.

Pre-Adoption Support

Throughout the adoption process, Spence-Chapin social workers and staff are available for support and information. Families can schedule one-on-one meetings to talk about their questions or concerns, such as how to manage the wait to be matched with a child, how to speak with a birth parent once connected, what to do if spouses aren’t on the same page about the adoption, navigating open adoption, and much more!

Post-Adopt Support

Regardless of how you choose to build your family, our ongoing family support is available! We offer robust post-adoption support through consultations, counseling, parent coaching, and events for parents and kids. Our post-adoption services are available to all families after your child joins your family! We offer a monthly playgroup for adoptive families with kids 0-5, an annual Halloween party, Global Family Day Picnic in Central Park, and ongoing workshops for kids and parents. We invite you to join us for these community events!

Get started with a domestic adoption today by starting the home study process! Visit our website to learn more about Spence-Chapin’s home study services or contact us at (212) 400-8150 or info@spence-chapin.org.  

Raising Awareness on Orphan Sunday

On November 12, 2017 the world will join together to learn about the millions of orphans here and around the world who are waiting for a loving and permanent family. This year, Spence-Chapin once again joins the Orphan Sunday movement to bring awareness to the children here and around the world in need of adoptive families and to promote the need for post-adoption support for all members of the adoption constellation. Spence-Chapin advocates for children in New York and around the world in Bulgaria, Colombia and South Africa. In New York and around the world there are infants and children waiting for the love and stability of an adoptive family.

We are committed to the idea that all children deserve a forever family, regardless of their age or medical condition, and we focus on finding families for the most vulnerable children: the thousands of pre-school and school-age children, sibling groups, and children with medical needs living in orphanages and foster care around the world.  All the children profiled on Spence-Chapin’s website are part of our Special Needs or International Adoption programs. The children are in immediate need of an adoptive family.

Please help us bring awareness to the need for more adoptive families! So many families are eligible to adopt – married and unmarried couples, single men and single women, LGBTQ parents, and families of all ages, income levels, and religions!

Join us for an event during National Adoption Month! Our Voices of the Triad Panel Discussion is on Tuesday, November 14th in New York City. We also have a full schedule of free webinars throughout November: Adoption Options for LGBTQ Singles and Couples on Tuesday, November 14th, Adoption 101 on Wednesday, November 15th, or Introduction to South Africa Adoption on Tuesday, November 21st.

Orphan Sunday is an opportunity to raise awareness of the children here and around the world in need of adoptive families and to promote the need for post-adoption support for all members of the adoption constellation.

To learn more about adoption domestic and international adoption at Spence-Chapin, or to view profiles of Waiting Children ready to be immediately matched with an adoptive family today, contact us at 212-400-8150 or at info@spence-chapin.org.

10 Questions About Adopting from South Africa

Spence-Chapin began its adoption program in South Africa in 2013 and partners withJohannesburg Child Welfare Society (JCW), a social service agency serving Johannesburg families since 1909. Spence-Chapin’s adoption program finds families for young children with special needs and sibling groups.

Who are the children waiting to be adopted?

Boys and girls with medical needs ages 1-12 years old. There are many families adopting toddlers with special needs from South Africa. Children will reflect the full range of ethnicity that exists in South Africa, especially in the Johannesburg area and adoptive families are asked to be open to adopting a child of either gender.

Who is eligible to adopt?

Many types of families! Single parents (men or women) as well as married & unmarried heterosexual and lesbian or gay couples can adopt! Parents over 48 years old should consult with Spence-Chapin.

What are the most common medical needs?

Check out this article on the Top 10 Medical Needs in South Africa! Common medical conditions include HIV, extreme prematurity, developmental delays, auditory and visual impairments and unpredictable cognitive challenges. Due to the HIV epidemic, there is a specific need in finding adoptive families for children who are HIV+. JCW partners with a Thusanani Children’s Foundation to provide safe and modern medical care to ensure each child receives the medical care they need – HIV testing and treatment, occupational therapy, physical therapy, antibiotics, surgery, well-baby visits, etc. JCW strives to provide an environment that caters to the overall development of the children in their care which includes their physical, emotional, spiritual, and educational needs.

It’s recommend that families considering adopting a child with medical needs consult with a pediatrician about diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis of specific conditions to consider if your family has the ability to provide the care a child will need. There are many experienced international adoption medical specialty clinics throughout the United States that are a resource for prospective adoptive families.

Who is Jo’burg Child Welfare (JCW) and what experience does this organization have?

Spence-Chapin’s partner, Johannesburg Child Welfare Society (JCW) is experienced in international adoptions with European and American families and has formalized procedures in place. JCW is involved in all phases of the adoption process from monitoring the children in care to providing adoptive families with cultural activities while in South Africa. JCW is responsible for written reports on the children, assessment of families, and providing the Central Authority with recommendations regarding adoption.

Do the children in care in South Africa speak English?

Yes, South Africans speak English as well as many other languages! Adoption documents will not need to be translated.

Are the children in South Africa typically in foster care or orphanages?

Jo’burg Child Welfare (JCW) has both foster care and orphan

ages, or children’s homes to care for children. Younger children are generally in orphanage care and older children may be in foster or group home care. In 2011, Spence-Chapin established its first Granny Program in Africa at the Othendweni Family Care Center, an orphanage in Soweto that is home to 90 children – 30 of whom range in age from newborn to four years old.  Through the Granny program, children are paired with surrogate “grannies” from their local community, who spend special, one-on-one time with each of them. During our visits we’ve witnessed the commitment of the staff and Grannies, and the genuine concern for the children.

Are the children religious?

A young child will have few memories of holiday traditions and no understanding of theology. If a child has been exposed to religious practices, they are most likely Christian. The country is roughly 75% Christian according to 2001 census data.

What is the estimated time frame to be matched with a child?

Families can expect to be matched with a child within 12-18 months of dossier submission and travel 3-4 months later to meet the child and finalize the adoption. We recommend families wait to begin the process until they would feel comfortable with this timeframe and there are no children younger than 18 months old in the home.

Are sibling groups in need of adoption?

Yes, there are siblings in need of adoption. Most likely one child would be over age 6.

What do families say about adopting from South Africa?

After years of searching for the right program, Chris and Mary finally decided that the South Africa program at Spence-Chapin was a perfect fit for their family. According to Mary, they came to this conclusion because they were encouraged by the answers that they got about the South Africa program. They liked that the children placed internationally tend to fall into a more vulnerable category of having special needs, being older, or being part of a sibling group. And also “we were encouraged by Spence-Chapin’s enthusiasm about the program and their honesty about the adoption process.”

The Davila family was struck by the commitment of the staff to the children in their care at Johannesburg Child Welfare (JCW), Spence-Chapin’s partner agency in South Africa. Mary says that their social worker was “a saint who advocates tirelessly for the children and also manages to be 100% on top of all of the paperwork involved in an adoption.” They took comfort in knowing that their social worker would be by their side in every meeting in South Africa and that she knew their daughter: her personality, likes, and dislikes. She was available to answer questions at any hour of the day and clearly loved the children.

Chris and Mary have been home with Etta for about eight months. They describe Etta as “playful, hilariously funny, and sweet, sweet, sweet. “According to Mary, their family transition has been very smooth.

Learn more about adopting a toddler from South Africa by clicking here or emailing info@spence-chapin.org.

International Home Studies with Spence-Chapin

 

Interested in Adopting Internationally? 

In addition to our placement programs in Bulgaria, Colombia and South Africa, Spence-Chapin also provides international home study services for families adopting from many other countries. In the past, we have supported families pursuing adoption from Ghana, Jamaica, Haiti, India, South Korea, China, Taiwan, the Philippines, and elsewhere around the world. We offer Home Study, pre-adoption counseling and more for every type of adoption.

Regardless of the country you are adopting from, all families, need to complete a home study. Spence-Chapin provides international home study services for families living in the NYC area, including New Jersey, the Hudson Valley and Long Island. We work with families living within 100 miles of New York City. Our home studies are of the highest caliber, and meet the highest legal regulations set for international adoption.

Finding a Primary Provider

In order for our team to fully review and consider your home study application, you’ll need a Primary Provider. A primary provider is a Hague accredited agency in the United States that is responsible for your international adoption. This agency will help navigate the inter-country laws and documentation you will need for your international adoption.

For international adoptions, it is very common for a family to use two adoption agencies – a home study agency & a placement agency. A home study agency provides the home study, parent preparation/training, and post adoption supervision. The placement agency  is responsible for the overseas adoption process including the child referral, travel, and dossier preparation. The two agencies work together to ensure that all parts of the adoption process meet state, federal and country requirements.

How do I Find a Primary Provider?

You can visit our website for links to helpful websites and organizations that may help you identify a primary provider for the country you are hoping to adopt from. We recommend reviewing potential Primary Providers through COA or the National Council on Adoption. The United States Department of State oversees all international adoptions to the United States and may also be a resource for you: adoption.state.gov.

Once I’ve identified a primary provider, what’s next?

Once you’ve identified a primary provider, the next step is to fill out our Home Study application. The application is on our website and you can download it directly anytime. The Home Study Application is an opportunity for our team to get to know your family better and to learn more about the nuances of the adoption you’re hoping to pursue. After we receive your family’s application, our staff will follow up with you to schedule a convenient time to speak, to further discuss the adoption you’re looking to pursue and next steps in the process!

 

To learn more about completing your home study with Spence-Chapin email us at info@spence-chapin.org or call us at 212-400-8150.

Spence-Chapin Services to Families & Children ASKS CONGRESS TO SAVE THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT

For more than 110 years, Spence-Chapin has been a part of thousands of American families through adoption.

On November 2, 2017, The House of Representatives shared their proposal “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act”, which excluded the Adoption Tax Credit. Since 1997, American parents have relied on the adoption tax credit to help them adopt children in need of permanent families. Without the adoption tax credit, it will be much harder and more expensive for families to adopt. It will be more difficult to find forever families for the children who are waiting to be adopted and deserve a permanent family. This important tax credit has enjoyed bi-partisan support as many Congress members recognized the need to promote adoption for children without permanent families.

We ask our Congress members to share our belief that Every Child Deserves A Family and to preserve the adoption tax credit to make it possible for families to adopt.

Spence-Chapin asks their community to join in advocating for the adoption tax credit and sharing the urgency of this issue. We are proud to be a member of the Save the Adoption Tax Credit working group and support the advocacy efforts to save the adoption tax credit. #SaveTheATC #foreverfamilies #spencechapin